Bluestone Coffee Co — The Diner Enthusiast

Hello. It has been almost five years since my last diner review. I would like to say I have spent that time exploring the wonders of the Orient or learning to make pasta with the voluptuous grandma’s of Italy or practicing my pickleball top-spin with Fuzzy Furman, my best pal in Boca. Boca, how my heart yearns for thee. But, I was caught by my delinquent son Ned shortly after I escaped my retirement home, A Wrinkle In Time, and I’ve spent the past half-decade trapped in Riverdale.

And so I plotted.

During my years of bat soup isolation, I devised a foolproof plan to once again escape. This time, I faked cardiac arrest, forcing Ronalda to leave me unattended as she called an ambulance. In the ensuing panic, I slipped out of the front lobby doors. But, it’s getting cold in New York again, and I actually did slip out of the front lobby doors. And when I landed, I actually did go into cardiac arrest.

So there I found myself just two nights ago, in the hospital for a real heart attack and a substantial bone bruise to the buttocks. My nincompoop son Ned was there too, snoring like the vengeful ninny he is. The hospital staff had left me for dead, and in the darkest hours of the night, I easily walked out, never to return.

As I crossed the Hudson into New Jersey and gazed upon Lady Liberty’s bosom, I did feel a pang of deep… nostalgia? Nostalgia, perhaps, for the era before Ned was born, when my 2nd wife could still make a delicious shrimp scampi (she lost both her sense of taste and smell during Ned’s tumultuous birth).

I intend to travel West from here through the American heartland, in search of new fine diner experiences to recount to my dear readers in the inner Chinese province of Qinghai, where I have been told this website - the only western site to pass China’s strict content guidelines - has exploded in popularity.

Finally en route after too long a forced hiatus, my first stop west of the city was the Bluestone Coffee Co in Montclair, New Jersey.

The diner aesthetic

I must admit, I wasn’t expecting the Bluestone Coffee Company to be a diner. I was planning on stopping by just for coffee before boarding my Amtrak train to Kansas City. But when I walked in and realized I could sit down and enjoy my first diner meal in so many years, I had no choice but to stay.

While the atmosphere was pleasant and certainly beat sitting in A Wrinkle In Time’s Coo-Coo Canteen, I cannot in good conscience say the diner aesthetic was enjoyable here because it felt and looked more like a coffee shop than a true diner. Call me a bitter old man holding on to the past, but I like my diners to look like diners, just as I like my sexual partners to look like anyone but Ronalda.

The Diner Enthusiast says: "No, por favor. How do I start typing in the next section of this website?"

The Service

After my heart attack and hospital stay, my cognitive state was not in its best form while I dined here. I do not remember my server or the quality of service, but I do remember I ordered food and it was served to me, at which point I ate it.

The Diner Enthusiast says: "I do not remember."

The food

I would say this was the greatest dining experience of my life, but it was also the first meal I have eaten outside of my retirement home in five years, and, thus, the only one I remember. Except I do not remember it.

Here is what I ordered:

Coffee, black.
Two eggs, over-easy. Home fries. Muffin, English.
Oatmeal, steel cut. With fruit on top.

I remember the eggs were cooked perfectly to my liking, but, as evidenced in the photograph I took on my disposable camera, there was very little black pepper on them. Seasoning is very important. The home fries were tasty, I will say, but I know crispy and these were not. The oats were fine, but I had to ask for honey. They would have been better with cinnamon as well.

The Diner Enthusiast says: "The English muffin was not buttered.”

The price

I have not used money in the past five years and was surprised. Just a few years ago, I could order an entire dinner and see a movie for a nickel. I do not carry any change larger than a single quarter at a time in order to deter would-be pocket picklers so I was forced to write my bank account info on a napkin and use it as a check.

Closing remarks

I did not particularly love this coffee shop diner despite its place atop my greatest meals list. I hope to soon encounter superior establishments as I escape the grasp of that villainous, naughty Ned.

Discussion Points

Diners are not black and white. My goal is to discuss diners, not to review them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I’ve left a few discussion points below to help start your conversations in the comments section.

How much would you expect a diner meal like this to cost these days? Three, four, or five dollars? (USD)
When is the next Amtrak train to Kansas City?
What would a French muffin look like? Or a Brazilian muffin? Or a Mongolian muffin? I do not know.
What is the best hand technique to disperse pepper on your eggs? Discuss.